When You Are Just a Pen In God's Hands Part 1

Im sitting here at the front of computer looking at picture and just finish watching the New Year Celebration at Marina Bay. There is nothing special and i dont even "ebjoy" the program. Just try to kill times while uploading photos on Facebook.

Came back from Nat's house and meet my wife at home feeling unwell.

(Sigh)

I remembered the new year eve about four years ago. 31 December 2004. There was i standing at the Junction of Mission College looking at the sky and saying my prayer that i will never forget. The weather was chilling cold to your spine and me with my black gloves, and old jacket looking at the sky and talking to God.

There are some others bunch of students were there, couldnt go home for either is too far, or simply because Mission College was a good place to be during new year.

I still can hear the pop of small firecracker of that night, the little laugh and some small shout of "happy new year", covered by the breeze that eating up the voice from the soccer field. 

But yet the most important thing for me, was that night i was praying and talk to God. I pray that the coming year (2005), i ask for a "gift" of life partner. 18 days later i recieved my answers...

Yet now, four years later i am in another place, another realm of thought, and things are totally new.....

I really do miss that day back in Mission College, the breeze of winter, and the beauty of being in a silent yet peaceful place. I miss all of those things and i miss my life

Now i am here, i a new year with new life...

I will continue this blog later...my wife is calling

My New Day as a Married Man

It such a wonderful name that i am married now, things change and now i live as not my own anymore but to live with someone else.
It has been a mixed up, mumbo jumbo feeling inside. Just last week, things are totally nice and somehow this week as we move back to Singapore there is a funny feeling inside of me. I found i have less interest in coming back to this place.
It was such a very hard time for my wife as well. Living her entire life with her family back in Thailand, her move to Singapore was unimaginable. The tears, the grief, separation, and all those that follow had happen between two of us for almost a week now.
I am trying to be as strong as i could, be that person that can comfort her in this kind of time. But deep inside me i also miss my parents in law, and my sister in law, my family, Thailand as much as my wife does. Even after one year being in Singapore, i still cannot feel this place as my home, Thailand with all of the polluted tuk tuk, beggar, and heat still capture my heart. I feel like it still my second home.
I also miss the funny action of my father in law, with all his stories, his indescribably funny action, and the smell of my wife house. The warmth of that place, the hospitality, and all the beauty that cannot be exchanged with anything else.
While my wife is sleeping right now, this is the first for me to break down and cry. I do feel missing Thailand very much, as much as she does. I still dont understand why God wants me to be here...yet its another mystery that only God himself can reveal.
Anyway, probably this is really the real time for me to be reminded with all the advise my father in law used to say that faith and prayer is really the only way to survive everyday....

My Reflection Upon This Trip Back to Bangkok

Well, here i am today back in this place called Thailand. There always something mystical about this country. As i put my step at the airport and smell the air of this country, my mind become very peaceful. This place is always like home.
Despite the fact that Bangkok is absolutely more polluted than Singapore, but i cant deny that i felt more comfortable and peaceful here.
I always believe that Bangkok really shows me the true meaning of life, the reality of us as human being, the fact that we are created being that are left with gracious gift of choice from God.
Having lived in Singapore for a while, life is totally predictable. Things are well organized everything is under control. It is good in one sense but yet i found its lifeless.
But things just getting better as i went back to my old campus Mission College. Meeting old friends brings joys and happiness that i've longed for a long long time back in Singapore. In MC once i found those people that means a lot, friendship that more precious than any pearl and gold that i can find and today i found this pearl again. We went out to eat, spend time to talk about the good old days back in this college.
I really felt at home, the feeling that i never have in Singapore.

Change of Path

Wow, its been quite some times to now writing down things that happen in life. Having the personality that wants to see for meaning in everything makes me become too philosophical, and living in a world where everything have to be defined. But anyway, i want to change the path of this blog into more reflective, more fun, (hopefully it will goes that way my feeling seems to reject that idea)

Love is Mystery

Today is not about asking question that nobody ask, or even trying to answer it. Im just amazed into the mystery of love that God has given to each one of us everyday. Love.
When we try to define love, each one of us will come with their own definition, and i do agree to that. Love is just something that are too big, to wide to be explored by one definition.
Love is mystery, the beauty of exploration that have no end, it grows with no limit.
Love is not only the kiss you give, or the hug you might did today, love goes deeper than than, it goes deeper than only a physical touch, or sweet word, or whatever things that you might imagine.
my writing today is just haywire, i dont have theme, i couldnt see and think to find what actually that i am talking about, its just thought that runs here and there to find the meaning of love that i still wonder.
One thing that i can think clearly, dont ever stop to try to love somebody as much as you can, give your best to that person that you love, and dont even think of the reply, because the love you've given to that person is limitless until you expect that person to love you back. Because at that moment you want that to happen, you start to reverse your gift of love into accepting someone else love.
Thank you God for love...

Psychiatry?

I've been watching videos about psychiatry and those who oppose psychiatry as a medical field. (especially from those Scientology follower) i actually disagree with them and i do believe mental illness really occur. I've been trough several experience dealing with them.
Psychiatry has been a field that interest me so much.
However, it always come to my mind until what degree psychiatry will influence our view of mental illness? Is it true that all mental illness is nothing but some chemical imbalance within the core of our mind?
This is where i struggle with, with the question that nobody ask....does psychiatry make us a mere robot and no more than that?

what i mean by that statement?

Psychiatry tries to tell that most mental illnesses can be traced into brain function and chemical imbalance. However i cannot fully agree with this. It might sound ignorant or naive but does it mean we destroy the core of humanity? The only part that separate us from other living being?

I do believe that each human being posses what we can call as soul. it is not those flying white gas after you died. But there is this invisible form within us that make us human. Our emotion, our thought, our behavior, and ability to generate love and compassion toward others.

When certain person become mentally ill, or lost its ability to think "normal" does it mean it can be fixed with some kind of medicine? that's it?

Psychiatry deals with the most difficult illness of all, the illness of soul, the illness of human.

Animal can suffer from lung disease, or cancer, or even cardiac arrest just as human. But i dont think animal can suffer from bipolar disorder, anorexia nervosa, or pyromania. (probably some, but generally no)

When we say that all mental illnesses can be cured by medicine, it just struck me. It means that we are nothing but a simple machine that can be "fixed" with medication.

My pain is nothing than a chemical reaction in my brain, it can be fixed with medicine

My laughter is nothing than a 'normal' brain reaction toward funny stimulant

When i fell in love with my girlfriend, that is nothing but some chemical running trough my nerves. Its nothing more than that. Some tablet can stop me from loving my girlfriend, loving my father, loving the people around me.

When i cried for the loss of someone i love so dearly, it can be fixed. Just drink this tablet, and that tablet four times a day and there are no loss anymore, there are no relationship towards that person anymore. Medicine can disconnect that relationship, you can shut down your system.

Does psychiatry makes us such robot, that simply move and work because our main processing system command us to do so?

The movie WALL-E gave me some soothing answer though.

At the ending part of the movie. Wall-e was badly damaged. He lost his eyes, he lost his limb, but the worst he lost the chip that control his movement and processing system. That is where WALL-E record that "love songs" that he likes so much, and that is where he left his 'love' for EVE. When that chip damages, WALL-E lost all of its processing function.

I love the scene when EVE replace all, include the processing chip of WALL-E. Suddenly WALL-E runs normally again, but lost of his sense of love, memory, and compassion towards EVE.

Are we trying to say, that someday that will happen to us as well? That we are able to replace even our brain and that's it. We are nothing but another WALL-E.

Fortunately the WALL-E story not stop there. On the moment when EVE touch WALL-E, somehow he start to remember everything again?
How could that thing be possible? We are talking about mere machine, who lost all of its past memory, new processing system, and there is no track of EVE whatsoever within him (even the song was deleted from its new system) but then gain all his love towards EVE just because of simple touch? That is the sense of mystery that i think are worthy to be kept.

I believe that there will always be this mystery of how we function, and why do we function that way that are best kept as mystery and probably will never can be explained.

Most skeptics will say, WALL-E is just a stupid animation that has no meaning but mere entertainment so be it. But at least for me i can see and think more than only some exciting visual stimulation of my brain.

That beauty of mysterious recovery of WALL-E will always encourage me to see, that we are more than supercomputer, or some big machine that can be fixed all the time. We are more than only robot, because of the existence of our soul and our mind.

Thank you WALL-E to remind me again about that. That Human, at the end of the day has more meaning than only functional mega machine.

The Question on Money

I bought some pop corn on the way home, well i like pop corn and according to Newsweek magazine popcorn is one of those snack with low glicaemic index. However i found that my popcorn was very salty.
I bought it from the cinema small shop since that is the only common place people eat popcorn. Then i realize why they need to make popcorn salty. Simple, business. (aka.Making money)

When you eat salty food, basically it drains water from your cell. Therefore, automatically your body will crave for water. In this case, eating this popcorn will make you want to drink and in the cinemas they clearly write "no other food/drink allowed" means you can only buy from them.
What a nice trick, that's why the seller asked me "dont you want a drink with your popcorn?"

business is business, no matter what is the product. It was produced to create money, profit. No matter how healthy you want your food is, there are no way you can get an healthy food unless you cook it yourself. Or go to those charity resto. even the so called "vegetarian/healthy food" i consider not completely good.
Something commercial, will always be commercial.
When something is valued by money, like it or not it will loss the sense of originality, the sense of belonging, the sense of beauty.
It becomes duty, obligation, since both parties has done their part.

That is why, salvation MUST be free. If not, the world will simply not exist