Reflection Of Life

Its been quite long i havent write anything at this blog. I think i have to write some more..

Few days ago i went with my girlfriend to Bkk, roaming around the city. try to enjoy things that might relieve my mind. But yet as i walk around many malls (my girlfriend is a bangkokians so Mall is a routine for her but not for me!!) i cannot just enjoy without any thought (sorry Ler!)
Bangkok are filled with all the beauties that life can offer, no doubt about that. And frankly, there are many beautiful man and woman that wont make your eyes tired just to "enjoy" their beauty.

since im a man, lets just stick to the "typical" man - woman theory (i any one exist to begin with)

My friend used to get annoyed whenever i talked about how beautiful girls in Bangkok are (this is before i'm with Lerie okay!) - and im not bragging about that. Somehow i found they are pretty from the tip of their hair to the edge of their toe.

But yet, i realize that it comes with a lot of effort and big bucks.

And that's how my though come to the picture

Our society has created the most beatiful, the prettiest, the slimmest, the cutest, and all of those other -est we can think about. However, i dont know if i can see all of that as beautiful. For me, all of those things has become the ugliest thing i ever see in my life.

By creating all of those -est, many people are struglling just to making sure that they are part of those -est. Many girl that i met always complain that they are not slim enough, not white enough, not pretty enough, and so on, so forth...
When the expectation become higher, when life comfort become more comfortable, there are nothing that human can do rather than to try their best staying at the top of the game....its just anyone survival instinct

But talking about survival instinct, i realize that city, modern society, is no other different with jungle, even probably the most savage, brutal jungle.

We always think that only Tarzan live in Jungle, but for me only Tarzan actually the one that living in "right" place.

Just see upon how we can grab each other food, position, love, and any other thing. I think Hyena will be amazed by our behavior.

Just see how ruthless, unmerciful we are when we come in politics, economy, and all other thing we do for make a living. Crocodile, and Lion are nothing to compare to our action.

Just see how evil, wicked, and cruel we are in our daily competition for the -est, and i think even the Cobra feel impotence...

The most difficult thing that i can see now is how we can say that we are human after all?

The Meaning of Life

In life often we have to face with reality, reality that often hard to accept...
I learn this trought a hard way. However more than only reality, i would like to write about standing upon what you know is right...
I wrote this in the few days at the end of my college year, for a long time i always has to stand for what i believe and often it create conflict with people around
often people with religion being accused for standing for what they claim as "truth" and on the same time forcing that "truth" to be accepted by others...
But often i asked my self, this argument make the other angle seems not as good place to be either...often because of "trying to please people" we let our conscience fade for the sake of making all people happy
I just learn a new things this morning that in life there are only two things that human can do, it is to choose between sacrificing your own benefit for other's sake or sacrificing other's benefit for our own sake. Second, to apply that decision in life....
It just too bad many people i know decide to choose the second option. To sacrifice other people for our own sake. We are ready to do whatever it takes, even if that mean we have to sacrifice other people feeling, other people property, other people relationship, even other people life for the sake of our benefit.
Well, isnt that what is the world is all about today? Isnt that what the nature law is all about? The strongest is the winner....
However, i wish i can think like that...i wish i can be fitting to that concept more because honestly i really hate conflict and people that hating me for choosing the other option...but it just too difficult for me to do so...
Every gift from God are made to benefit others not us. If we are prettier than other God require us to use that beauty to benefit other that are less beautiful than us. If God grants us with more possesion than others, it means He requires us to share that possesion with other that are less rich than us. If God grant us with wisdom, and knowledge far more than other it means He require us to help those who are less smarter than us.
Every single gift that God granted us, is made not for us but for others so at the end they will glorify Him...
Our hand are created to give a loving touch to others, our legs are created to walk for others, our heart are made to benefiting others and not ourselves...
if only more people understand this...this world will be a different world....

Just a simple thought that was crossed my mind during little walk from cafeteria....
i think the true victory that make christian different from other victory is when we realizing our weakness and knowing that the only victory is Jesus Christ at calvary.
i was thinking about this as i've been struggling with my own temptation in life. the problem is, once you can overcome your struggling, whatever it is, we have tendency of thinking that it is our victory- since we are the one that been struggling with. therefore i believe the only true victory in life - is when Jesus Christ finally says - its over
now how about when people has suceeded winning their life over certain thing in life such as - drugs, or porn or whatever?
this is my though, that all those "victory" - is a true proove that Jesus has overcome it at Calvary - we have achieve the result of that victory in our life - we overcome certain things in life - therefore, the glory should be belong to him.
The issue by this concept is more to those that still struggling and seems hopeless without any bright light, should they dont receive grace from God? I couldnt allow my faith to be based on that concept
Through out the bible it seems that God more concern about the effort rather than the result but dont be misuderstood that God ALWAYS has concept like this. there are few times that God being pragmatic looking for the result from man
however, often bible heroes are placed on the place that their heart is more important than their action
the simplest example of this is David, a king that fall into sin of adultery. God did kill his son but the funny thing is the other son from that adulterous relationship later become king.
Through out the life of David, he did several "fatal" mistake and considering him today David will be considered as loser - but the bible told us that God himself called him to be "man of my own heart"
a simple lesson, especially for us that struggling with many issue in life dont ever give up - turn our eyes upon Jesus even at the lowest level of life, dont ever turn our heart, our sight, our believe even during the time when we feel that we dont deserve to be loved by God or even to be accepted by Him.
God proven by the bible seems to care more about what we will try to do to be victorious rather than the victory itself because that victory never belong to us anyway - it belongs to Jesus
he cares upon what is your sight during those times - what inside our heart when we are falling - will we cry for help and said "Lord, im falling help me!" or "its okay Lord, i dont need your help, i can climb this road by myself!"

Who i like to see in Heaven?

Well, this might seems to be too "adventist" thinking about Heaven
however, i was listening to a song "When Jesus comes" again by and "Adventist" singer Heritage Singers....
but i cant hold my tear to imagine whom i would like to see in Heaven...
yeah sure....Jesus...i want to see him....He is the reason why i'm in Heaven
Family? Yes! Yes...i really want to see them all in heaven...to know that i can live with them too..
however, they are those that placed as special part in my life...
and as i imagining heaven i really pray that they will be in heaven too....
(as i wrote this, i try to keep my tears from falling)
Ti my friend that i met in AIDS hospital at Lopburi, a man in his 30 that waiting his time to rest, i really think about him and missing him. I dont know what happened to him now but let it be with my prayer....
Pam, a a go go girl in Patpong that i met few months ago, i want to keep in touch with her but sometimes what i read discouraging me, im still praying for her and really hope that she will be there too. She is 24 years old, and still working in Patpong
Saipin, and two of her friends that i met during our visit to Nam Yuen...three little girls, very friendly, funny, and kind. Im really scared that they will fall into wrong proffesion since they are vulnerable to that situation, may they be there in heaven too
Sakda, Mukthapa, and two other Hmong warrior i met in Loei, four little boy, cheerful and innocent - i pray we can play soccer again in heaven...
as i look at the world and how cruel it is, my prayer will be "how long O God till you come?" since i really pray for that....
the last, and i think the one that i really care, is my Girlfriend....yes...i've been blessed with a girl that really strenghten me to move on with life, to know there are forgiveness even for a person like me, to know that God still loves me and giving this hope of eternal life, i want to walk to heaven with her. To see her smile there and to know that we are here because of Jesus

Spending Time

I just took a shower and during those time i was wondering about how much time that i had spent time dealing with God. Suddenly i came across a thought that nobody asked. Often i found that spending time with God not always mean the same with spending time for God. People can spending time for Him by doing things that seems pleasing him but he is not always must be there. But spending time with God means you are there and God are there too. Spending time with God also not always cheerful and happy, sometimes God spending time with us even during our saddest and loneliest time
So, i prefer spending time with God more than spending time for God. Especially person like  me that working as a minister, this two understanding are significantly different
I hope that i can really do it though

Financial Crisis

I just came back from Muak Lek, buying some stuff include some of my girlfried favorite thing - she knows what is that. I just withdraw my salary for this month and i receive 80% of it, since the finance office deduct it for several charges that sometimes i dont really understand.
anyway, as we went back my head was asking a question(that nobody asked) upon how money and relationship with God relate to each other.
i often wonder, why those people that seems faithfully giving offering to God, still struggling with financial problem? while others that seems even doesnt care for such thing is often founded to be wealthy and having a good life?
no wonder some atheist ever claim that christianity has sucked people money for benefiting themselves by telling that the money is for God. Even though the fact is, God literally doesnt get any money or even receive any paycheck right?
Therefore i think that money doesnt have that close relationship with how close a person with God.
However, biblical evidence show that many people that considered as "heroes" are often filthy rich, such as Abraham, Job, David, Solomon, and many more.
One thing that i found out that God does provide those who belief in him with adequate supply - but put in mind that God knows what the best for everyone
second, God doesnt work in contract based relationship when you do me something then i must give what you want too - if that is how Gods work, we dont have to do evangelism - people will come to God and give themselves willingly to be accepted in the Family not because they want to, but to earn benefit from God
unfortunately, in this world it is the country that claim themselves to be christian has brought the concept of success as the result of having relationship with God - second these country too has brough the idea of capitalism - where money is literally God and has change the whole economic concept of the world - what a pity
God works in the term of loving relationship - a relationship that more than only valued by money - it might seems idealistic, but that's how God work
During my conversation with Pam the Go Go Girl i met in Patpong, We found out that often good people are those who dont have enough economy strenght.We can say lack of money. i try to find the answer, and i think that God has put a richness that more than only money within us. It is the richness of love. Love is the only thing that cannot be valued by money. Im talking about pure love here - true love that not looking for benefit to themselves. I know some of my friend that can buy "love" - with their richness all girl will easily follow them. But i doubt that is true love and im not talking about those kind of love too.
Yes it is love that really true, coming from heart that God has put within those who are good but found themselves not as rich as other(worse, to those that dont care about God)
I found out too, that offering to God is not measured upon how much you give, but how big your sacrifice is. Why that? Because that measure how much love you have for God.
This thought remind me about the story of that poor widow that giving her last money for food in the bible. Jesus said she was the true giver, because she choose to sacrifice her meal for that day so the money can be offered to God. Contrast with the Pharisees that has given plenty but doesnt cost him anything.
I believe, a true offering is when we are willing to sacrifice a lot for that and not how much on the value side.
Therefore sometimes i was sceptical about people that giving a lot of money for humanity especially movie artist and celebrities. They give a lot for sure, but it doesnt even a sweat for them. I often questioning their motives, i know its bad but i cannot let my brain to not wondering about it. Do they really give it out of their love?
therefore, i think sometimes God put us in financial crisis not to make us get angry at him but to test our love to Him. Well, people can claim im trying to giving excuse for not having good financial strenght but at least im happy for it. This make me more believe the existence of a person named God.

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Hey, its been a while i havent reflecting upon things that i observed daily.
recently i've been spending my time watching movies for day and night. its been two days consecutively and there were good one and bad one. some movie just filled with sex and even though its good(visually) its kind of meaningless for me. Some other was too rigid an the plot are too readable.
Its been a korean and western movie so far, and somehow i felt i can enjoy the korean better. nothing special, its simply because it fits my thought that still conservatively following the philosophy of confucius that had influence most of the asian region.
anyway, there was few (if not one) movie that i can rate worth watching (after like 10 movies!!!!) At least i dont feel like im wasting my time watch it. It was a sad movie and touching one.
however, my bad critical thought had "spoiled" the fantasy by saying that its all has been plotted. The man in the movie is no other than an actor.
The story ended with the main woman actress dying from Alzeihmer that start to make her memory lost. It was sad, but honestly speaking she act very well. All the cries, all the drama, all of those emotion shaking. will end up on paycheck and she will be come out alive, with no dementia, even become a very famous one.
what a pity, i think that all of those movie are simply "fake"....
no offense, i learn a very important lesson from that movie and i learn how to value people that i love furthermore with all i have..
however, reality is...life actually a movie...
unfortunately, ther are no casting, or audition. people dont come and compete to get the role, everyone has their role.
There are no script has to be memorized, no tears has to be acted out,everything just an impromptu one...
worse, you dont know the end......the story will go and go and even the main player often asked what should i do next?
what a pity, because the role are not picked because you can feel the character rather we are that character itself. Some live with antagonist the other protagonist.
Some born as heroes the other villain....
well, life is drama..with all the things that they have..however, sometimes i wonder, questioning, yeah for sure a question that nobody asked: does God play the director? or He simply the spectator? hmph...i sometimes confused...
i lying down on the bench tonight and staring at the sky maybe the stars is our spectator, the grass, the animal...
life is a story, drama, novel, thriller, whatever....
be a good actor...

Discovering The Day Before Today

Thinking about the past, there are many question, hurt, shame, blame, and many other pain that i had bear.
Learning from Dr.Kalervo, past is a treasure that enriched someone life. As a treasure, it can be cherished and accepted both bad and good. Therefore, all the pain that i had suffered and bear will be a memory that i have to dare to take and accept and move on.
Life has only two button, stop, or forward. it doesnt have rewind, pause, or copy.

Jesus The Liar

recently i am struggling with this question in my life, who is Jesus? Does he real?
i know it seems like i am playing with a religious question, a question that nobody asked. why? who needs religion today? I mean religion that belief in the existence of God. in the time where science has reveal many question of life, in the time when psychology has answering human problem, in the time where faith wont give money, who cares about religion? still the question of who is Jesus raised in my mind.
there are plenty of Books, Good books that telling Jesus from many different perspective and i dont want to comment or quote or trying to be scholastic upon this question of Jesus. Rather i want to reflect upon who is Jesus personally.
As the modern society questioning the divinity of Jesus, it bring doubt upon his integrity and honesty. Does Jesus a liar? Does he lied claiming that He is the son of God? Does he is a "false" prophet that somehow possess supernatural ability in himself? Does he actually just a charismatic person that somehow being pictured as God ? For some all of this question will be answered with yes, Jesus is a liar...he is no God, he is only a good man living in good condition of time

However, trying not to be apologetical i cant deny that he has become more real each day for me, i mean by real i become interested on him day by day. well, some people might claim that i just playing with my emotion but for me there are a simple passion to know this man that people claim as a liar. Being exposed to Him everyday bring curiousity upon who he is actually.
The only book that give a good information about Him is the Holy Bible, there are doubts upon how the Bible even existed but whehter unfortunate or not it is hard to find other information about Him in other more reliable sources. Anyway, Bible in critical view has been unreliable enought (at least in scholar circle) why bother believing on other controversies information?
As i glance and learn from this Gospel, The Gospel in New Testament i found a person that has been giving his life for humanity. A person that are there being with those that dying, rejected, puked, and expelled from society. Understanding little bit about Ancient Jewish Culture, Jesus has been one person that will stand and reveal what is the real good man is all about.
He sat with tax collector, people that considered as traitor during that time. He touch those leper, the most rejected people on that time, and he even mingle with prostitute, a sinner by accepting her annointment in a rich man house.
History might shown that with His name a war has been struck during the middle ages but never trough His example...

With this example we have seen in history, millions of people that died being inspired because of his love and compassion for humanity, it is trough Jesus example many people trough generation has stand for unfairness, injustice, and willing to care for those who are weak and oppressed. This liar that claim Himself as God has inspired million and million of people in every generation to amplify love and compassion for other human being.
it is true there are many other good man in this world that has inspired many other people but it take a supernatural being to maintain his influence for centuries and keep growing. There are no other God that has being mocked, parodied, questioned, doubted, claimed as a liar than Jesus. Why put too much care on someone that not significant? someoene that is a liar?
therefore for me, even if he is a liar there are more truth that i can see trough him. there are more example that i can follow rather than the lied he had made.
It takes Good man to change the world, but it takes God to maintain change for centuries.
He is the inspiration of one of my hero, Gandhi. He is the power that move human soul and spirit to love and care for other.
therefore, this liar that has stand for centuries will still be hero for millions of men across the Globe and for me God, Lord, and Savior

Question on Evil

As i walk today, i encounter several people that i know had done something that i know not nice to other. They seems to be okay and all things are fine. all of this experience making me wandering, questioning and think what should i do against evil?
my personality has been those kind that easy to give judgement to other, it seems God has "cursed" me with this gift to being critical when evil prevail. i couldnt stand to see people that hurt other. Its always been within me to tell the truth and trough the extend that many people felt bad after encountering their fault being noticed and condemned.
but as time goes by and still the question rise, what should i do against evil? I realize this is what i can do.
I realize that i will never beat evil. often i think evil is an action. but now, i think evil is a matter of decision. people has to decide whehter to harm or to love someone. Therefore, i will never win against evil. Every people has their right to decide to do things according to their heart. some however, does have an bad intention toward other, while the rest just thinking about themselves.
then one thing that i realize i can do, that i will never stand down agaist evil. though it might consume me on the process, what God expect from us is to stand firm agaisnt it. Let Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Hulk deal with overcoming evil but as an ordinary person our duty is to not stand down and to take decision to be evil too.
It is also our duty to save people from those who are suffer because of evil, it is our call to protect them from evil, to redeem them from the evil itself. there always be evil trough all generations and there will be people that will suffer because of their actions. Some people might has the gift to beat them, but i believe God give some other the power and compassion for saving those that fall into evil.
i will never able to make those who do evil to turn and be good, its God duty. Only God can overcome and beat evil. however, i believe that on the same time God call us to save those who are become the victim of evil, those who are suffer because of evil.
Jesus prayer now become clearer to me "but deliver us from the evil one" He never ask us to beat the evil, but to be delivered from it. For us that has decide to follow this man named Jesus, His prayers should be our prayer too, and to fulfil this prayer God need us to deliver those who has been struck by evil.

First Day, First Reflection

As i glaze to the pictures of many of my old friend today, i was amazed with the change that happen to many of them. some just got married, the other just finish their college, other just started to work, and the rest having a baby. its a wonderful things, precious, and i put a little cherish upon all these beauty that my friend receive in their life. however as the mouse keep clicking and the web keep moving i realize that the picture of life is not beautiful all the time. some of them got married because they are too healthy that embryo had emerge from the little tummy of the girl, some other must struggle, broke up, being cheated, or cheating someone in relationship, the other struggling with academic life, thinking that future is about staying forever in college, while the rest wandering around looking for job here and there...
i often wonder and questioning my life....question that nobody ask....what i see in life?
as i walk on the street of Bangkok few days ago, the same question rise in my mind. There were little beggar sitting on the street waiting for a simple heart willing to give at least 1 bath for the food for today while somehow a beautiful car pass glittering in the awesome of its color, brand new.The driver might be the owneri dont know, but im just imagining is the person ever think about this life and about this little boy that being torchered by the heat of the sun, begging for just one box of khao today?
i visited Patpong a week ago and encounter a conversation with one of the a go go girl on the bar. She is pretty, georgeous, and i just cannot stop my heart from crying to hear her story.For me, she is more than beautiful to be one of those model on ad. At the same time as i glance to the thai newspaper, magazine and i encounter the same beauty in the different kind of life filled with glamour and popularity.
Therefore for me, life is color...
Life is a color full of with dark and but also covered with bright and cheerful picture...
I cant see too bright color because its making me blind, but i cant see to dark color because it will making me a psycho....therefore still another question nobody asked raise..how can is see it?
I remember my Girlfried gave me this beautiful song by a Filipino singing group. the title of the song is Rainbow....and i believe to see life like seeing Rainbow, where the color of the sun being dispersed by the little rain that fall...
I dont want to preach and i might putting my philosophy into what not written there but i believe Rainbow is one of God wonderful gift for us to see life..
Im not good in physics too, but from what i know bright light is actually the combination of all color and it needs a prism to dispere the color to be visible. Being bright, shining in a glittering life will never make me see life but we know too that darkness is the condition where color is not exist and without color there is no life i cant see darkness too for there are no color - no life.
As life is color - i want to cherish it - to enjoy the beauty of it - and thanking God that he create color.
Imagining if all things are black and white - i think life would be different from what i know now -

A Single Dot of A Long Line

Hey, I just start to write something there are nothing special though. I just want to improve my writing skill by reflecting things that i feel and i see in life.